It's the same thing every summer. I look at all the seed catalogs. I visit the garden centers. Knowing deep in my heart I want this year to be the year of my perfect garden, I wind up spending
dollar upon dollar in pursuit of this unobtainable dream. Why is such a harmless fantasy of a garden
bursting with fresh red ripe tomatoes, cucumbers so green and cool they could put out forest fires
and onions that practically dance to the hamburger patty unobtainable? After all, putting seeds and plants into good soil isn't all that difficult to do. What's the problem? In short, dear Lorefans, the
problem isn't me. It's them.
My enemies are the deer, rabbits and ground hogs of the world. Through the deceit of their Disney
propaganda, the world has come to believe that these marauding armies of malcontents are nothing more than happy, wandering troubadours, singing and dancing their way into the hearts and minds of the unwary. Don't be fooled! These creatures have one purpose and one purpose only, to destroy
any vegetation I plant. Yes, it's true.
Any seed or plant placed into my garden immediately becomes fair game to these miscreants. Oh, occasionally a tomato might escape their vile attentions for a while, but ultimately, they consume
everything. Innocent tomatoes have been slaughtered by the bushel. The poor decimated onions
are enough to make grown men weep. And the lettuce, I dare not speak of the atrocities done upon
the poor tender green leaves of lettuce. There are ladies reading this missive after all. Shed a tear
for the lost homestead, overrun by terrorist animals. I may never be able to plant there again.
All is not lost, dear Lorefans. Even as you read these lines this Memorial Day, I have already
moved the High Vegetable Command Post to an undisclosed location. There, heavily guarded
by fencing and the possible addition of a machine gun turret, the garden wars of summer
continue to be fought by the common man. There's a war on! Pick up your hoe, soldier and get